10) Mercyful Fate: King Diamond's goofy Gene Simmons-like makeup and his consistent holding of upside down crosses and petulant screaming make him one of those people who you know you shouldn't invite over for dinner but you do anyway because you have a big heart. And then he throws the punchbowl at your head and your mom tells you that's the last time you can have friends over....but MOM, I'm 40!
9) Insane Clown Posse: Have people died at their concerts? Out of fear? Out of excitement? Out of boredom? Out of unsubstantiated rumors? Horrible rappers, but what a stageshow.
8) Venom: I don't like to say that anyone can bring "bad vibes" with them, but when you put on a Venom record you definitely feel a change in the air. It's like when my mom would make meatloaf and the whole house would smell bad because she didn't know how to make it and she put all these weird ingredients in it. That's how I got lead poisoning. What's your story?
7) GWAR:They've been known to "lampoon" popular figures like Paris Hilton and George W. Bush, who I understand still has a few months left on his contract with the U.S. Government before he can run for Commissioner of Major League Baseball. If so, would you raise the mound?
6) The Mentors: Well, their singer's dead so they're not as scary, though they have been on the "comeback" trail from time to time. Wikipedia, the authority on everything arbitrary, calls them a "rape rock band" known for their "sexist lyrics." With tunes like "Golden Shower," you have to take your chances as an audience member since you never know when life is going to start imitating art.
5) Slipknot: Let's hear it for guys who fear they're too ugly to show their real faces.
4) The Misfits: It was Danzing's earlier band that really captures the Astrozombie vibe and for which I've always been partial. Walk Among Us remains a punk classic, introducing horror movies to those who might otherwise have watched Lifetime TV.
3) Kiss: I don't know if Gene Simmons was really scary--well, I wouldn't want to battle him in court, that's for sure--but he did spit blood and breathe fire and sing in a voice that sounded like someone punched him in the stomach a few too many times and Kiss knew how to party and use fireworks and levitating drum risers and sing songs like "Hotter Than Hell" and "God Of Thunder."
2) GG Allin And The Murder Junkies: You were taking your life into your hands attending a GG Allin concert. He liked to fling his feces into the audience and urinate mid-song. He threatened to kill himself on stage and take the audience with him.
1) Black Sabbath: Black Sabbath virtually invented the idea that bands could sing about Satan and witches and magic and fairies who wear boots and they did it with a sound that takes all the air out of your Halloween bag. With Ozzy, with Dio, and not with that other guy from Deep Purple, Sabbath represented the bleak Birmingham, England scene as if they were providing the soundtrack to Rosemary's Baby.
not even close
ReplyDeleteInsane Clown Posse are... rappers. You said this was a metal list.
ReplyDeleteThey're RAPPERS. And shitty ones at that.