PLAY FAKE LEAD GUITAR

1. Scour your closet for clothes that haven't fit in years, and make them fit. The tighter the better. Baby oil might be essential for the application and removal of these clothes.

2. Accessorize! Silk scarves are a must for the serious lead guitarist.

3. Tease hair. Apply hairspray liberally.

4. Make-up isn't just for women anymore! Remember... foundation first, then blush and eyeliner.

5. You'll need an electric guitar. Any will do, but the flashier the better. They more they look at the guitar, the less they'll look at your fingers.

6. Turn your attention towards your gear: all amp dials should be set to 11. If you can't play

well, you can at least play loud.

7. When not playing, strut confidently about the stage with your hands on your hips. (see: Young, Angus)

8. Facial expressions are important! The best guitarists will, in the course of a solo, appear as though they're deep in concentration, while at other times appear constipated.

9. Pick a note, and play it aggressively and repeatedly. Be sure to constantly shake guitar violently. If this doesn't go over well, explain you're playing a Sonic Youth cover.

10. Occasionally look at your hands and appear completely surprised and amused by what you're playing. (see: Van Halen, Edward)

11. If anything goes terribly wrong, glare at other members in the band. This will lead the audience to believe the others are to blame for the awful racket. One foot on stage... the other on monitor.

12. Ocassionally, you'll come across audience members who don't appreciate your music. You'll need to announce at that point you are embarking on a 'free-form jazz odyssey'.

This will lead them to believe they just 'don't get it'.

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MUSIC IN THE BLOOD

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